It is rumoured that late last night MPs agreed an astonishing plan to try to popularise politics for the next general election.

The Proposal stated the next election campaign will be run from a ‘Big Brother’ style house, with 24 hour TV coverage and a diary/confession room. The occupants will be all the party leaders who will be expected to perform speeches in an entertaining yet concise way. A panel of 4 judges will critique each one, X Factor fashion, which will be followed by a public phone vote to decide day by day evictions, until only the new PM remains.

Tv bosses say this will give the public a direct say in the leadership of this country with local MPs being voted for by the more traditional polling booth method.

A spokesperson said, “Initially, it is thought an idea involving a combination of Big Brother and Shipwrecked was considered, but many leaders voiced concerns regarding return transport!”

It is believed the EU will monitor events closely, and should the idea prove a success ministers will consider a ‘Eurovision’ style of programme and voting for future European elections.

The Green Party commented how good it would be to keep all the ‘hot air’ in one confined area, and not have a whole host of juggernauts thundering around our island, gratifying those who love the sound of themselves talking.

(FNS) St. Augustine – Westminster Cathedral choirmaster Algernon Jones choked to death yesterday evening when he drove his rented convertible through a cloud of love bugs on I-95.

The renowned castrato was singing “Ode to Joy” at the time, according to a Florida Highway Patrol statement.

According to authorities, Jones, his wife Cynthia and twin teenage daughters, Patricia and Penelope, were approaching the exit ramp at State Road 207 when he struck the love bug flurry.

“It looked like black snow flakes,” one of the girls told investigators.

The black winged read-headed insects hatch out twice a year, in May and September, when they mate. They remain joined for their three week lifespan. They are a non-stinging variety of mosquito

“The victim reacted violently to the force of several of the insects entering his mouth. Violent choking may have caused a grand mal seizure resulting in his head striking the steering wheel,” a first-responder said.

The reaction caused the victim to mash the accelerator to the floor while gagging and clutching his throat, Mrs. Jones told investigators. She steered the hurtling vehicle into the grass median strip to avoid surrounding vehicles and southbound traffic.

“Mrs. Jones kicked her husband’s foot from the gas pedal and managed to turn the ignition key to the off position,” according to the report.

A special sunrise memorial service will be held in St. Mark’s grounds at 6 a.m. Friday. Choristers will sing “Woe is Me”.

The Natural History Museum in London is set to open its doors to a different crowd in October when it will play host to the first in a series of ‘Fight Nights.’

The first event, entitled ‘All Hallo’s Evil’, will take place on Halloween and will see the central hall being transformed into ‘an arena of evil’ where fighters will face off against each other in an ‘all against all’ style cage match.

Museum Director, Pete Swaithe, said, “Expect a no-holds-barred night of bloody mayhem in stunning and unique surroundings.”

Ticket sales will go towards supporting the museum’s research into the effects of climate change on wild flower species in the UK.

The Government has announced plans to call on the powers of ancient gods to help deal with any further rioting in the UK.

In an address to the House of Commons yesterday, David Cameron outlined a proposal to meet with a number of ancient Greek gods in a bid to utilise their power and wisdom in the face of any future unrest. Measures could see conventional police tactics such as curfews being used in conjunction with thunder and lightning to keep rioters off the streets, as well as community service programmes in Hades underworld for more serious offenders.

William Hague is to travel to MountOlympus next week where he will meet with Zeus, king of the gods, to discuss arrangements for a summit meeting with all 12 of the ancient gods and goddesses.

Trampshire Police received numerous calls from anxious pet owners in Upper Downton yesterday concerning mysterious signs erected on approach roads to their village. The large red signs stated

CATS EYES

REMOVED

Owner of the village shop, Miss May Bee, 45, told our reporter a customer from Lower Downton collecting his newspaper had alerted her to the signs.

 “He asked if I knew what the signs meant so I contacted the Police.”

Local Beat Policeman, PC Joe King, confirmed there had been a number of calls from concerned villagers. The RSPCA had also contacted police following reports of the signs to their Headquarters.

Mrs Julie Dunn, 72, renowned breeder of Siamese Cats and National Cat Show judge, who lives in the village said,

“I believe this may be an International crime. Siamese cats have clear blue eyes, a feature unscrupulous breeders would welcome in lesser breeds. Transplanting cats’ eyes, however, would not be a solution as the eyes would not breed true.”

Oldest inhabitant, Miss B. Gone, disagreed.

“This is clearly revenge taken by sympathisers of the blind rodents mutilated by the farmer’s wife back afore the Great War.”

Upper Downton received some better news later, when a team from Trampshire Council arrived to start work resurfacing the road through the village.

“There have been a number of complaints regarding pot-holes following the severe winter weather and this seems the best way forward,” said foreman, Mr I. Phillit.

NEW LAWS TO STOP CLIMATE CHANGE.

The government today passed a controversial piece of legislation in a bid to avoid a hefty fine by the E.U.

There was a heated debate in the House as government ministers pressed the point that they had to make swift and possibly ‘unpopular’ decisions to meet the E.U legislation of cutting the country’s carbon footprint.

The opposition, as expected had plenty of arguments, but following a ‘Free Vote,’ the government won the day by a narrow majority.

The new law which comes into force on 1st January 2012 will ban the use of private cars on all roads from midnight Friday until 6am Monday. This ban will also include taxis.There will be extra buses introduced to and from airports, but there will be no change in other public transport.

The leader of the opposition later told us, “This is going to put a lot of jobs at risk, for example, out of town shopping centers, and seaside resorts will be deserted at the weekend. Sports fans will not be able to watch their team. This is just stupid.  It hasn’t been evaluated for the impact it will have on people’s lives.”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said, “The Prime Minister is very pleased with this, he feels that it will be beneficial not only to Climate Change but will also give a boost to family life.” 

As was expected the Prime Minister was not available for comment.