If Only

Kath stared out of the window of the 281. It was late  starting, which meant that she would be late home and Tony  would play up. As usual. Tony playing up could mean a shouting  match, or maybe something worse. She ran her hand over  her ribs, which still ached from his last beating. She stared  out of the window at the car park, and thought of all the   years she’d sat on this bus – since she was a school girl, and  there were fields where the car park was now.

She heard grindings and shouting from downstairs – the bus was starting. Relief mixed with fear – she would be home in 20 minutes. Home – a negative equity trap with a pig of a husband. She knew what to expect when she got home – “Where  have you been, you fat cow, and where’s my tea?” 

She sighed, thinking what might have been. Thinking back to those days when the car park was still fields and she used to  meet  Simon before getting the last bus home to her mum and  dad. Why had she been fool enough to get mixed up with Tony?   Why had she been fool enough to marry him? She’d miscarried at 4 months anyway, so it had all been for nothing.

She gazed out of the window at the familiar sights -  Woolworths, Smiths, then the bus shelter where they’d all  messed about when they were coming home from school. The bus  ground to a halt, and she looked out at Sainsburys, where  she’d had her first job when she left school. Her first job when she left school….she looked again. Surely  that Sainsburys had been pulled down years ago – she looked  again and saw three girls in mini skirts. She knew they were  coming back in fashion, but those  boots – they looked really  authentic….Kath cast her eyes up and down the street – it all looked…strange, and yet strangely familiar. Oh God,  girl, she thought – you’re going barmy! She looked out again ,  and thought – that Rocker looks just like Tony used to in the   Sixties.

She squinted, and peered into Sainsbury’s window…did that price tag say fifty nine pee, or was it five and ninepence?   Then the bus lurched forward and they were off again into the  dankness  of the night, and she put it all out of her mind.  Best not to think. particularly about the old days, when  anything was possible.        

Next day at work, Kath couldn’t stop thinking about the bus  ride home. Had she imagined it all, or was there really her old world waiting for her at the bus stop in the High Street?  Her old world – it could have been so good…Simon had been  her escape route. He was everything she had wanted – and she  couldn’t believe it when he’d asked her out. He was a Grammar school boy and had opened up a whole new world to her. She had  began to believe she could do anything. They’d talked about  getting engaged, and her future had seemed mapped out – clean   and secure.          

And then Tony had come along – flash and exciting with his motorbike. And she had fallen for it all. Thrown everything away for a bit of fun. And look at him now – a fat slob with a  beer gut and no job. If he’d never existed she’d have married  Simon and everything would have different.        

That night the bus was on time, and Kath felt nervous as it pulled away… Woolworths, Smiths, the bus shelter. The bus stopped. She looked out of the window. Yes -  Sainsburys! An  old MGB was parked by the bus stop, only it didn’t look old.  And Tony – unmistakably Tony as he was – leather jacket,  greased hair, chatting up some girl as usual.  

Without thinking, Kath leapt up, dashed down the stairs and  jumped off the bus. The bell rang, the bus was off and she was   there.  Really there -  In the 1960′s. Tony didn’t see her – maybe no one could see her? She kept thinking – suppose she’d never met Tony? Suppose something had happened to him before she could  meet him?

She’d have married Simon, and everything would have been different. And while she was thinking this, the MGB started up. Tony was oblivious to everything – he was kissing  the girl now.

Without thinking, Kath moved behind Tony, and just as the MGB  moved off, she pushed him. It was easy – he just fell – right  in the path of the car. There was a lot of noise – screaming   from the girl he’d been with, and then a bus came – another  281 – and Kath just jumped on it, went upstairs, and sat down,  her heart beating wildly.   She couldn’t believe what had happened – or had it happened? And if it had – who would be waiting for her when she got  home?

As she walked up the path to her front door, she told herself  that if nothing had changed, and she had imagined it all,  well, she was no worse off than before. But what if…? She  put her key in the lock, and went inside. The door to the  living room opened. Simon stood there. They both stared at   each other. Kath felt as if she had arrived in heaven. And  then Simon spoke;  “Where have you been, you fat cow,” he  said, “and where’s my tea?”